#5 Play piano at least twice a month

With a heavy heart, I admit that this healthy and happy goal has not made it off the ground.  So this blog post is either going to be about trying to figure out why or coming up with the excuses I am telling myself why not.  

Firstly, the opportunity to play is there.   I am housesitting in a place with a piano and previously was at my parents' house where my electric piano is being stored.  I am also working part time so I have time and all I was asking myself to commit to was 2X/month.  I didn't even specify a time frame (ie 15 minutes would have been fine).  

So was it the right thing to do to put it on the list if I can't muster 15 minutes 2X/month?  I took piano lessons for 5 years in my thirties and really enjoyed it. What is stopping me now?  Is it because piano is  something that you can't just do twice/month if you want to feel competent? And if I don't feel competent at something...am I happy still doing it?  A-ha.  This answer came a lot quicker than I thought and this blog post is now starting to sound like something that is way bigger than a desire to play piano.

So let me share something with you that I wrote on a discussion board in the mindful self compassion course that I have been taking the last 6 weeks.

I have been struggling with my inner critic for probably 25 years but really didn’t even recognize this until this past year. My inner critic strives for approval from others but even when I receive some form of acceptance or acknowledgement, it (the inner critic) can always find a reason that I am still "not good enough".

I am recognizing now that the only purpose my inner critic serves is to keep me on this never ending treadmill of constantly doing more and more and more and more. I am either an anxious mess that is always trying to find ways to distract myself from those painful feelings of shame or I am resentful of all the things in my life that I keep giving myself to but never feel like I am getting the support or the acknowledgement or love that I need so I can feel I am worthy.

Slowly (and not without bumps and hiccups and resistance and still wanting painful feelings to go away), I am starting to see that the acceptance and love and support has to come from that other voice that I didn’t even know I had but has quietly and patiently started to make herself heard.

So I think what I am trying to say is that I may need re-evaluate both how I see the things that I want to do to be happy as well as how I can give compassion  to myself in things I am doing.  It might be time to sit down at that piano stool and find the courage to listen to the voice that is loving and patient.  Who recognizes the beauty in the music as opposed to the mistakes I am making.  The voice who loves and accepts me despite or even because of my mistakes and is going to sit beside me for 15 minutes or 5 hours if that is what I need. And if after our little piano session, I still am not feeling it my compassionate voice will say "that's okay - you are still worthy of love whether you play well, play not so well or don't play at all and I will be right here whatever you decide.