#5 Play piano at least twice a month

With a heavy heart, I admit that this healthy and happy goal has not made it off the ground.  So this blog post is either going to be about trying to figure out why or coming up with the excuses I am telling myself why not.  

Firstly, the opportunity to play is there.   I am housesitting in a place with a piano and previously was at my parents' house where my electric piano is being stored.  I am also working part time so I have time and all I was asking myself to commit to was 2X/month.  I didn't even specify a time frame (ie 15 minutes would have been fine).  

So was it the right thing to do to put it on the list if I can't muster 15 minutes 2X/month?  I took piano lessons for 5 years in my thirties and really enjoyed it. What is stopping me now?  Is it because piano is  something that you can't just do twice/month if you want to feel competent? And if I don't feel competent at something...am I happy still doing it?  A-ha.  This answer came a lot quicker than I thought and this blog post is now starting to sound like something that is way bigger than a desire to play piano.

So let me share something with you that I wrote on a discussion board in the mindful self compassion course that I have been taking the last 6 weeks.

I have been struggling with my inner critic for probably 25 years but really didn’t even recognize this until this past year. My inner critic strives for approval from others but even when I receive some form of acceptance or acknowledgement, it (the inner critic) can always find a reason that I am still "not good enough".

I am recognizing now that the only purpose my inner critic serves is to keep me on this never ending treadmill of constantly doing more and more and more and more. I am either an anxious mess that is always trying to find ways to distract myself from those painful feelings of shame or I am resentful of all the things in my life that I keep giving myself to but never feel like I am getting the support or the acknowledgement or love that I need so I can feel I am worthy.

Slowly (and not without bumps and hiccups and resistance and still wanting painful feelings to go away), I am starting to see that the acceptance and love and support has to come from that other voice that I didn’t even know I had but has quietly and patiently started to make herself heard.

So I think what I am trying to say is that I may need re-evaluate both how I see the things that I want to do to be happy as well as how I can give compassion  to myself in things I am doing.  It might be time to sit down at that piano stool and find the courage to listen to the voice that is loving and patient.  Who recognizes the beauty in the music as opposed to the mistakes I am making.  The voice who loves and accepts me despite or even because of my mistakes and is going to sit beside me for 15 minutes or 5 hours if that is what I need. And if after our little piano session, I still am not feeling it my compassionate voice will say "that's okay - you are still worthy of love whether you play well, play not so well or don't play at all and I will be right here whatever you decide.

#4 walk/bus/bike/car pool

I think I need reminding about this one more than any others so far.  And cold weather or a snow storm or "lack of time" always seems to be a good excuse to just jump in the car.  So this is going to be a work in progress not only for 2019 but for 2020, 2021...  If I can set a long term goal in the middle of this 2019 Healthy and Happy for 2021, it will be to get rid of the car (because then I can't just jump into it).  But for now, the job I am in and committed to doing until spring 2020 relies on me having a car.

So here is what I've tried to do.  (Again keeping in mind I currently work part time and have no kids).

Day to day errands

If I am only going to town for one thing and the weather is at least -20 degrees or warmer, I bus there and walk home (about a 15 minute bus ride and a 60 minute walk).  I think if the bus ran more frequently (rather than every 2 hours), I would try and take it home too.  But the city would need more riders to increase its frequency and me not taking it when it is too cold (or choosing to walk home when it is warm) is not increasing their ridership.

If someone else is going to town, I try to arrange a carpool.  Sometimes this feels like I am putting someone else out or inflicting my own healthy and happy/environmental values on them.  Definitely a tricky one.  But it has worked...sometimes.

If it really is just too cold (and I only wanted to do one thing).  I just don't go and wait until the next day.  This will not work all the time but has worked for me twice so far.

Now there always the times that I still drive my car (not with another person) because of multiple errands or transporting a dog to the rescue organization I volunteer with.  Work in progress and this is what I've got so far so bear with me.

Trips

Interesting that I start this goal after Greyhound stops all service in northwestern Ontario (and west_.  I looked into Kasper Transportation (who have sort of stepped in to fill the void in northwestern Ontario) when I went from Kenora to Thunder Bay in January.  But it was going to cost me $500 return and an extra 2 hours to get there as I would have to go Kenora to Sioux Lookout and then Sioux Lookout to Thunder Bay.  So with a heavy heart, I didn't do it.  I did try and post my ride (and offer a carpool opportunity) on Poparide but no luck (but I didn't post the option on Facebook - I am still a bit anti Facebook which obviously is not helping this goal...).

I also tried to take a Kasper Transportation to Red Lake but their online booking system would either not let me choose Red Lake as an option or had "no available dates" when I was able to choose it.  I sent them 2 messages but got not response.  I didn't call though and ended up just jumping in the car (posting my ride on Poparide but not Facebook...).  Work in progress.

Work

My current job requires me to drive to people's homes for my work.  I like my work but I do feel this is really going against this goal so I think there is going to come a time that I need to change my job or change the way I do my job (not sure if I can walk/bike/bus and carpool to people's homes but...maybe?).  Healthy and Happy goal for 2020?  Yeah, I think so.  

So walk/bus/bike/car pool is definitely a work in progress with a lot of layers and lot more work to be done.   This blog has reminded me of what I can do differently in the future - posting rides of Facebook and what I need to do differently in the future - figuring out a job that does not require me using a car every day.  Stay tuned...