#10 - learn a new skill

Did I write that?

Really?  

So had I actually thought about that one a a little more, I think the healthy and happy goal would have read, "determine what new skill you want to learn". 

Going to need some help from google on this one:

i) learn to draw

ii) learn to make or refurbish my own furniture (Because I have none - although I also don't have any tools!)

iii) learn to start a fire (to help with #8)

iv) learn how to discover my passion (this was listed in the 101 skills to learn and it reflects where I am at right now)

v) making soap or dish soap (to cut down on my plastic waste - although I actually just learned about soap nuts.  I bought them for my laundry but have been using them as dish soap as well and then throw them in the compost when I am done - is this a new skill?  Probably not.

That's all I've got so far and this blog post is probably a month overdue so it is getting published with my list of 5.  

....or 6....

(vi) learn how to keep up with blog posts?

#9 - volunteer at least twice/month

Lately my blog posts have felt like “reasons why I am not doing the things I set out to do in my happy and healthy goals” Is this what happens to everyone 4 months in? Do you start out strong and motivated and inspired but then when life happens, you kind of forget (or you remember but tell yourself “not now, I’m busy” and so you rationalize why you haven’t been able to do what you wanted to do).  I am sure Gretchen Rubin can talk about this but I haven't read any of her books or listened to her on podcasts inwhile so I am not sure what she would say...

And here’s the catch – this blog was supposed to help keep me on track but I am actually 3 weeks overdue on even writing this post.

The other issue is whether my goals were clear enough/specific enough for me to actually say I’ve been successful. If I volunteered more than every 2 weeks from January – March, do I get to save the extras to redeem then for the months that I am not volunteering at all? And who am I even asking this question to? Myself? My inner critic? My one follower on this blog? What do I need in order to feel successful or more importantly, what do I need to feel happy and healthy?

Volunteering definitely makes me feel good. I really enjoyed volunteering with the foster organization in Kenora. I felt like I was part of a community, I enjoyed the routine I had with my friend where we would volunteer and then go for a walk or a ski. And I felt like I was making a difference and it made me happy to be working with the dogs. So yes, I want to volunteer again. I have explored things like Eco Superior and Earth Care in Thunder Bay which are organizations that are doing work that is important to me. And volunteering with a rescue organization is not off the table. But I think I enjoyed volunteering in Kenora for the other factors that I described above and it wasn't just volunteering for the sake of volunteering.

Hmmmm, so is this rationalization? Maybe. Or maybe it is figuring out what I need for a volunteer experience to be healthy and happy? And so am I successful with this goal? If learning what aspects of experiences give me purpose and joy and what aspects of experiences I am doing because of feelings of “should” then I would say – YES!

So stayed tuned.  The desire is there but now trying to find the right fit.

#8 do an overnight hike not with my husband

The very first time Mike took me backcountry camping trip was in the summer of 2005.  We had been together 2 years and were preparing for possibly backpacking around Nova Scotia in the fall (we ended up driving).  We decided to do the Mantario Trail - a 60 km trail that ran along the Manitoba/Ontario border that at the time, was mostly maintained by volunteers (I am not sure the status of the trail now).   Mike was a boy scout and had spent two years in the outdoor rec program in Thunder Bay, had tree planted for a number of years and was just overall an outdoorsy guy.  And although I didn't consider myself a city girl or even all that high maintenance (ie I didn't (and still don't) wear make up or blow dry my hair and I considered myself fit (I played hockey in the winter and soccer in the summer), this hike definitely tested all of my physical and mental limits (and running out of toilet paper and not having the car at the end of the trail trailhead were only the tip of the iceberg).

But I did it and I learned from that experience and now enjoy multi day hiking trips. (Mike also learned from the experience too - he now knows he needs to pack more toilet paper when he is hiking with me).

However, in all of our hiking trips, it often feels like Mike does everything.  He packs the tent, the food, the thermarests and all the other things I probably don't even know about.  He cooks the food each morning and evening, hangs the bear bag, and sets up a tarp to try and keep our stuff dry in the rain.  And yes, I carry a pack and set up the tent and thermarests but I often feel that these are things he could do but I am not sure I could do his tasks...

So this is my plan for summer 2019.  Do an overnight hike not with Mike.  Can I pack everything I need into my pack.  Can I ration my food and cook it that night?  Can I hang the bear bag?  And most importantly, can I deal with things that might come up that I don't even know about?

So stay tuned....anyone want to join me?

#7 do at least two races

I used to run half marathons.  Not super competitively and maybe only 1 sometimes 2 per year but I would pay entry fee, train, show up on race day and cross the finish line.  Sometimes I ran with friends and sometimes by myself. Sometimes I would have a goal time in mind and would really push myself and other times I was just out to enjoy the race.  Sometimes training would be hard and lonely and I couldn't wait for the race to be over (so the training would be over).  And other times I was training with a friend and loved doing the long runs as a chance to connect and catch up and talk about our lives.

And then I stopped.  

Achy joints? Maybe
Tired of training?  Could be
Wanting to spend my time doing other things?  I guess
Not getting out of the race what I thought I wanted to get out of the race? Hard to answer when I'm not sure I know what I wanted to get out of the race

Whatever it was, I kind of forgot about racing and I definitely stopped running (at least longer distances).  

So how did 2 races end up on my healthy and happy list?

I don't know if I have the answer right now.  I know that I enjoyed doing a cross country race a year ago with friends and knowing other friends who were doing it (and a beautiful March day probably contributed to that one).  I know that I biked 100 km 2 years ago and NEVER thought I would do that but it felt amazing to accomplish it (and even more fun accomplishing it with a friend).  

I think there is something about signing up for a race (or event) that makes you want to push yourself a bit harder than you would otherwise.  So I want to push myself a bit harder with mountain biking.  And not necessarily to go more technical (hiking a bike is not a sport I want to race in as evidenced in my tongue in cheek vanbatical post about it).   But I want to see if I can go faster.  Push my legs a bit harder.  There is something in me that is curious what it would feel like to cross a finish line again.  

Although this time, I think there needs to be a balance too.  I still love great rides with great friends where we just enjoy being out on a beautiful summer day, on super fun trails and chatting when we get to the top of a hard hill about how hard that hill was.  In this way, maybe I don't get to the point where I am just wishing the race would be over so I don't have to train anymore.  

So 2 races.  And no pressure.  If I am still not getting from the race what I think I want to get from the race, then I stop racing again but I don't stop riding.  Healthy and Happy.

Now - does anyone know how to train for a mountain bike race?

#6 Start another blog and post once/week

Didn't really give myself any safe guards on this one did I?  I committed to "once/week" instead of allowing myself  "at least twice/month".  And writing this blog post has definitely been harder to commit to the once/week.  In fact, the friend who introduced me to the Healthy and Happy for 2019 and is currently the only reader of this blog, had to give me a little nudge when I hadn't been posting once/week (again my list of thank yous to her continues to extend).

But here I am with what started out as a few days late and is now a week late for my once/week goal.  The important thing is that it does make me happy to post things regardless of the time frame so let's do it.

I don't actually consider myself a blogger but did really enjoying writing the blog "Vanbatical".  Initially it was a joint blog post with my husband and in the beginning, he was WAY more keen to get it going than I was.  But I started writing and found I really liked it.  It was not only a way to give myself purpose (which I very much struggled with in a 6 month trip living in a van where I often felt I didn't have a purpose) but also a way to share a story which, for an introvert, is often hard to do in the spoken word.  The written word to me seems easier and still gives that satisfaction of sharing the story.  So back to the vanbatical blog and the end of the vanbatical but I still wanted to write.  And yes, I could journal but there is something about "publishing" something (and sharing your story) whether it is going to be 1 person reading it or 200 people reading it that makes you really think about how you are telling the story (as well as editing that story).

But my first challenge was coming up with something to blog about where I would have ideas each week.  My first blog about the vanbatical was fairly easy.  Content could be - where we were geographically what neat features were we experiencing or the challenges of living in a van.

So wanting to start right away and not feeling many other ideas come about, I decided to blog about the healthy and happy 2019 goals.  And the blog also seems to be serving another purpose - accountability to make sure I am reviewing them and adhering to my healthy and happy goals regularly (or at least once within a 15 week period.).

The second challenge though is writing in a way that does not sound condescending or patronizing or promoting myself as "look at me", I am doing this or I am doing that and you should too!  I especially found this hard with the making food from scratch post.  How to write about what I am doing which is making me happy without making anyone who reads it feel like they should be doing the same thing.  And in this pondering on "tone", it got me thinking about self help books in general (which I have been reading a lot of lately).  And not that I am trying to write a self help blog or tell someone what they should do but a self help book (or book editor) must also have to decide whether the tone of the book is "do this in this way and it will help" or "hey, here are some ideas, hope they help".  Anyway, now that I have catered to my inner critic who worried about me appearing like a "know it all", let's move on.

The third challenge is as discussed above - keeping up with it.  But this post is feeling done and while I am here, I may need to peak at goal #7 so I can at least start to think about what I have been doing to meet it and what I am going to write for it too...

#5 Play piano at least twice a month

With a heavy heart, I admit that this healthy and happy goal has not made it off the ground.  So this blog post is either going to be about trying to figure out why or coming up with the excuses I am telling myself why not.  

Firstly, the opportunity to play is there.   I am housesitting in a place with a piano and previously was at my parents' house where my electric piano is being stored.  I am also working part time so I have time and all I was asking myself to commit to was 2X/month.  I didn't even specify a time frame (ie 15 minutes would have been fine).  

So was it the right thing to do to put it on the list if I can't muster 15 minutes 2X/month?  I took piano lessons for 5 years in my thirties and really enjoyed it. What is stopping me now?  Is it because piano is  something that you can't just do twice/month if you want to feel competent? And if I don't feel competent at something...am I happy still doing it?  A-ha.  This answer came a lot quicker than I thought and this blog post is now starting to sound like something that is way bigger than a desire to play piano.

So let me share something with you that I wrote on a discussion board in the mindful self compassion course that I have been taking the last 6 weeks.

I have been struggling with my inner critic for probably 25 years but really didn’t even recognize this until this past year. My inner critic strives for approval from others but even when I receive some form of acceptance or acknowledgement, it (the inner critic) can always find a reason that I am still "not good enough".

I am recognizing now that the only purpose my inner critic serves is to keep me on this never ending treadmill of constantly doing more and more and more and more. I am either an anxious mess that is always trying to find ways to distract myself from those painful feelings of shame or I am resentful of all the things in my life that I keep giving myself to but never feel like I am getting the support or the acknowledgement or love that I need so I can feel I am worthy.

Slowly (and not without bumps and hiccups and resistance and still wanting painful feelings to go away), I am starting to see that the acceptance and love and support has to come from that other voice that I didn’t even know I had but has quietly and patiently started to make herself heard.

So I think what I am trying to say is that I may need re-evaluate both how I see the things that I want to do to be happy as well as how I can give compassion  to myself in things I am doing.  It might be time to sit down at that piano stool and find the courage to listen to the voice that is loving and patient.  Who recognizes the beauty in the music as opposed to the mistakes I am making.  The voice who loves and accepts me despite or even because of my mistakes and is going to sit beside me for 15 minutes or 5 hours if that is what I need. And if after our little piano session, I still am not feeling it my compassionate voice will say "that's okay - you are still worthy of love whether you play well, play not so well or don't play at all and I will be right here whatever you decide.

#4 walk/bus/bike/car pool

I think I need reminding about this one more than any others so far.  And cold weather or a snow storm or "lack of time" always seems to be a good excuse to just jump in the car.  So this is going to be a work in progress not only for 2019 but for 2020, 2021...  If I can set a long term goal in the middle of this 2019 Healthy and Happy for 2021, it will be to get rid of the car (because then I can't just jump into it).  But for now, the job I am in and committed to doing until spring 2020 relies on me having a car.

So here is what I've tried to do.  (Again keeping in mind I currently work part time and have no kids).

Day to day errands

If I am only going to town for one thing and the weather is at least -20 degrees or warmer, I bus there and walk home (about a 15 minute bus ride and a 60 minute walk).  I think if the bus ran more frequently (rather than every 2 hours), I would try and take it home too.  But the city would need more riders to increase its frequency and me not taking it when it is too cold (or choosing to walk home when it is warm) is not increasing their ridership.

If someone else is going to town, I try to arrange a carpool.  Sometimes this feels like I am putting someone else out or inflicting my own healthy and happy/environmental values on them.  Definitely a tricky one.  But it has worked...sometimes.

If it really is just too cold (and I only wanted to do one thing).  I just don't go and wait until the next day.  This will not work all the time but has worked for me twice so far.

Now there always the times that I still drive my car (not with another person) because of multiple errands or transporting a dog to the rescue organization I volunteer with.  Work in progress and this is what I've got so far so bear with me.

Trips

Interesting that I start this goal after Greyhound stops all service in northwestern Ontario (and west_.  I looked into Kasper Transportation (who have sort of stepped in to fill the void in northwestern Ontario) when I went from Kenora to Thunder Bay in January.  But it was going to cost me $500 return and an extra 2 hours to get there as I would have to go Kenora to Sioux Lookout and then Sioux Lookout to Thunder Bay.  So with a heavy heart, I didn't do it.  I did try and post my ride (and offer a carpool opportunity) on Poparide but no luck (but I didn't post the option on Facebook - I am still a bit anti Facebook which obviously is not helping this goal...).

I also tried to take a Kasper Transportation to Red Lake but their online booking system would either not let me choose Red Lake as an option or had "no available dates" when I was able to choose it.  I sent them 2 messages but got not response.  I didn't call though and ended up just jumping in the car (posting my ride on Poparide but not Facebook...).  Work in progress.

Work

My current job requires me to drive to people's homes for my work.  I like my work but I do feel this is really going against this goal so I think there is going to come a time that I need to change my job or change the way I do my job (not sure if I can walk/bike/bus and carpool to people's homes but...maybe?).  Healthy and Happy goal for 2020?  Yeah, I think so.  

So walk/bus/bike/car pool is definitely a work in progress with a lot of layers and lot more work to be done.   This blog has reminded me of what I can do differently in the future - posting rides of Facebook and what I need to do differently in the future - figuring out a job that does not require me using a car every day.  Stay tuned...